I miss Sg but is scare of going back!

i m feeling bored.

i dun sleep so early.

i got nothing to do.

was chatting with chris who is blogging. so i tot i can blog something too, pass time ma...

My blog is called "Thoughts of My Life Journey", my recent posts are all tat happens in my life but i haven been blogging abt my thoughts. hmm... so i shall share with u wad is in my heart deep down. the problem tat had been pastering me for mths.

Yes, i miss Singapore ALOT! my hometown!!!! i miss my family, my frds and my everything there. but i m afraid to go back. the reason is the same as my initial hesitations to come. JOBLESS.

Already in my expectation since early early last last yr, the economy will not be as good and in fact, now its really going down. Not tat i can't survive in a bad economy, not tat my generation is lousy in fighting in bad economy, i survived the '03 year when i just grad from poly and secured a job after many interviews. but this time round... the situation is WAY DIFFERENT!

how diff?

Firstly, i will b out of job for 2yrs (since i m not supposed to work now).

employers will not give benefit of doubt tat u can fit in the working class easily. In order to "counteract" this 2yrs of emptiness in my resume, i shd be studying or doing my MBAs rite? but i didn't! why? i just grad from BBA not too long ago, i m physically and metally tired to be ready for another degree. And the cost of masters is ard USD10k more than bachelors degree. unless its some not so popular uni, their masters costs oni USD10++. but tats still alot, after converting to SGD. i dun have tat lump sum and dun think my stingy monkey will sponsor me. and no one can guarentee a better future or job prospect even if u get a MBA. haha... and ya, the biz course i wan is at another end of Arizona. the travelling distant will kill. no... all tat isn't encouraging at all. so i had pre-planned to do something else to fill up my "long vacation". which i m doing now. am happy to do my course of Jap Language. previously in sg, i had attended a 3mth course at a community centre but there is no certification. now, i m recapping the language easily since i already have the basics and is happy to learn more abt Jap culture. but i still feel empty, maybe i m a typical KS singaporean. i still feel tat its not enuff to fill up my 2 yrs period in my resume. initially i planned to work as a volunteer (no money involved), but hor... i m pretty stranded. we oni have one car which monkey will drive to work daily. if i wanna go to church and help look after babies or wad, i will have to beg and trouble pple for carpool. where got volunteers go and trouble pple one?

Secondly, the economy is sooooo sooooo sooooo bad now tat the chain effects had affected many diff organisations and no one is willing to employ. If got pple quit, oso no replacement. There is a gloomy aura. For example, *touchwood*, if GM collapse like Lehman Brothers does (well, GM and the other major car companies does have a financial crisis), not only those pple in GM will b out of job. the chain effects like companies who create or supply car making components to GM will be affected too! and so on and so on!!! its a cycle. beri scary cycle. and this time round, it affects so many lines, industries and countries!!! its a global depression!!! the market flutuates so frequently until everyone is scare to take out $$$ to invest. there is no more credibility. when there is no more credibility, banks dun lend, then pple and companies got no not enuff cash to "zhou zhuan", then it will cause more bankruptsy! when there is more bankruptcy, there is more bad debts! then bank will suffer great loss and more unwilling to lend! the cycle just get worse! This economy crisis is so much worse and different than the one in 1997. Its just near to Great Depression tat happened like 1920s. Maybe i too free, so the amt of depressing news i read, can make me beri depressed oso. haha... but really, without me to further explain, u all noe how bad the economy is rite? with govns pouring in $$$ to salvage things. but it will takes time before improvement is seen. small illness, take short time. long illness take longer time. this BIG recession, gonna take LONG time. haiz. i pray hard tat i m wrong to believe its not going to improve by the the time i m back.

thirdly, when i m back, i will no longer be young. I can't compete with the sweet young things - fresh grads. i can't compete with the mid-careers which got plenty of experience (so far, i oni worked for 5yrs and tats LITTLE!) oh, and the degree tat i got last yr,is rotting at home now cuz i haven been making use of it. tats sad sad sad..... neither here nor there, not up not down. so stucked.

2yrs ago, i dare to quit without first securing a job cuz i noe the market is GOOD. now i noe, the moment i step into Singapore Changi Airport, I will b contributing to the umemployment rate. Jobs are scarce now and there are too many applicants for 1 single vacancy. its the so called employers market now. the moment i resigned from my ex coy, i m beri prepared for a pay cut (i admit i used to earn more than my same batch of grads unless they in sales line). but then now, i dun think its a pay cut issue. its gonna be a super duper big REDUCTION in pay! if i wanna compete for a job, i can't be asking too much... probably 1k lesser than my previous pay?! i hope not!

u noe, this issues had been bugging me daily. even in toilet i oso think HOW HOW HOW! i might be a bit more KS, but then, i m a person who REALLY LOVES TO WORK! i like to earn my own $$$, spend my own $$$ (yes, its until now i still feel tat spend own $$ is the best!), contributes to the society, make uses of the knowledge i learnt from sch and past experiences, have own social working life, and most important, i like the sense of achievement from work and the sense of satisfaction when i get problems solved. i sound like a workaholic?! haha... well, i do dread waking up early and squeeze in public transport to work. who doesn't? but i think working really can add on colors to life. though i like hi-teas and chit chatting and hanging ard with my gal frds, but i dun get the sense of achievement and accomplishment i get from work. its 2 total diff thing.

i m a person who needs stress! haha... no stress i wun move. just like now, no one forces me, so i get real lazy.

i dun mind vacations. short one i mean. like 1 or 2mths away is nice! but not 2yrs! its too long! makes me feel abit reduntant.....

not tat i m not adapting in US, i m. i make many frds (*thank God*), i do mix well with pple easily.

not tat i got no food to eat, oh pls, i cook well enuff to survive and monkey will still have to pay for the groceries no matter how exp it is.. haha

not tat i m always "jailed" at home (though its the fact most of the time), but i do get chances to go travel and mix ard, go shopping, go mahjionging and go dining every wkends.

not tat i miss home so much tat i feel 2yrs is too long. i do miss home, but i m old enuff to live away from parents. i m independant enuff (though the heavy chores are done by monkey and not me, and he is "smart" enuff to handle the bills and do the major plannings).

I am just afraid tat i really can't get a job when i go back. i noe one day, i will definately miss the life in US. so carefree, so relax, so family oriented. but then, when back to reality, a beri fast paced singapore where i called it my hometown, no work = no money = jia lat! i wun wan to stay at home do nothing. i will still contribute "protection fee" to my parents as they brought me up with love (mind u, i m still giving them $$$ monthly! not becuz i come US no income so i can deprive my parents from the fruits of labour from bringing up such a nice daughter. i m just too filial!! hahaaa :P but thanks RSAF for giving me the spouse allowance. Monkey, if u r reading, pls dun think u r the one paying me, its RSAF cuz if i dun come, u oso wun get the extra spouse allowance so its MINE!!! *roars*) if one day, i m jobless for too long, i definately will feel lost!

hey pple! i m not saying tat dun work = useless. just tat i find myself abled, sane, and have no kids to look after, dun have a billionaire husband, studied enuff to earn a proper living, why dun work? its just personal i guess... hahaa

thru my much thinkings, i have tot of changing lines when i go back. but then.. hmm.. i will b in a awk age to change line (but who noes?!). i oso tot of lowering my asking pay (my heart is still in pain now). i oso tot of strucking the grand prize in Arizona Lottery. hmm... many many possibilities for my many many worries...

but i believe something. FAITH! i have faith that since God lead me to this path of experiencing life in US, HE will oso give me a path tat i can find a job tat suits me when back.

despite faith, i just can't help with my usual human singaporean type of KS worries. But i will pray hard hard. Believe and have faith!!!